Two January conversations

This blog was something I started years ago just to keep my parents and extended family in the loop of stories/pictures of our kids.  I never have felt like I could "write" and mainly just wanted the boys to have some type of personal journal to look back on.   I really stopped the blog when all this happened to Dad a year ago.  I had no energy - free time was spent discussing options for treatment for him, and our world seemed to be falling apart.  Even after Dad died I haven't been ready to share all the stories or the deep heart issues.   

I will never forget that dreary January day sitting with Lynn Hamilton for the Kindergarten conference and hearing her words.  "I really do think that Mack should go to Readiness instead of on to first grade."   

Sean and I (although we talked a big game about supporting whatever the Kindergarten teacher said about where our kid should go) felt something well up in us.  

It took us off guard.   

We felt suddenly insecure.   

TWO educators for parents (one with a doctorate I might add) and the best we could offer our kid is that he can't go on to first grade? 

I am sure any of us who have had those conversations might understand those feelings.   

After a few months of tears and swallowing what looked like to us to be some big amounts of pride - we agreed that indeed she was absolutely - 100% right - this was the best thing for Mack.   

Fast forward to another painful dreary January day - I was laying in bed with Mack January 27, 2013.  

He was crying so hard.   

We had just shared the news with him about Papa and his best friend Ethan was standing at the end of our bed watching quietly. 

Mack finally looked up in the midst of sobbing and said, "Ethan, I just  - I just - don't know what to say."  

And sweet boy said back to him, "You don't have to know what to say Mack - you don't have to say anything at all."   

And then - because God was gracious enough to allow me to watch all of this - I watched as Ethan climbed into bed with us and put his arm around Mack and let Mack cry - and cry - and cry.      

A few days after that we sent Mack back to school.  I am sure some wondered how we could send Mack back to school two days after Dad died.   Our answer was pretty simple.  "Sharon Knight"     

I knew from day one Mrs. Knight and Mack had connected in a deep heart way and we were so, so grateful for her.   She is an outstanding teacher in every possible way. 

However, it wasn't until Dad died that I understood completely why he had been placed in her room.   The healing that Sharon provided for Mack in the days and weeks and months after Dad died were something Sean and I will talk about for years to come with people.   

I'll never forget the guys all flying into Ohio after Dad had died and Mack meeting me at the airplane and him saying, "Mom - Mrs. Knight said - whenever I have a story about Papa to just raise my hand and go ahead - - even if I cry - its ok - I can just go ahead and just share whatever I need to at any point."   

What could be more healing for a ten year old boy than for weeks and months after his death to be able to talk about his beloved Papa through tears with those who held those memories so carefully?  

She gave him a safe place to grieve.  

She gave him a safe place to share stories. 

She gave him a safe place to cry.

She gave him a safe place to ask questions

and eventually - she has given him a safe place to heal.   

She has listened  - given input  - shared out of her own life and poured more into him than anyone will ever know.   

In fact I picture him speaking to people one day as an adult and beginning the conversation with, "I once had a third grade teacher...."

So, today - she got up to hand out awards.  

She came to his name and couldn't get the words out.  

I was on the back row and was positive  I was going to do the embarrassing kind of cry where people have it on video and share as "entertainment" with their extended family at Thanksgiving.  

It suddenly hit me - and this is the message for me in all of this.  

God knew on that dreary January day years ago when Mack was in Kindergarten and Lynn Hamilton gave us hard news - that Mack would need a Sharon Knight and an Ethan Daniels on another dreary January day in 2013.   

He knew what class he would need to be in, what teacher he would need to have, and what friends he would need to have around him when he faced this dark night. 

What seemed to Sean and I to be such a harsh decision - our child can't go on with all the other first graders - was actually not that at all.  

It was God - in His sweet love and graciousness knowing what road we would walk and knowing WHO we would need on that road.   

It was His kindness that saved Mack from moving ahead so that He could save his heart and help him heal this year.   

Maybe if you are reading this you are filled with pain as everyone seems to move on and you are left behind.   

Maybe even as a parent during awards season or beginning of the year season you have a feeling like your kid didn't "cut" it - that he isn't up to where every other kid should be.   

I really don't have alot of answers at this point in my life.  I'm still pretty raw myself.   

However, I can say that today God gave me a glimpse of His love for our children.    

The tough conversation or decision today - that move you don't want to make - the loss - the difficult teacher - maybe that is all preparing your child for a Sharon Knight or an Ethan Daniels down the road.

Maybe if our "plans" worked all together now our children would miss out on those people then.

His heart is kind.  

He is good.  

We can trust Him.